shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
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Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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