I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
