Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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