no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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