Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
