You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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