they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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