Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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