i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
