After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
