I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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