my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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