I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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