Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
