mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
