Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
