Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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