i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Randomize
