dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
