Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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