My balls are so social today.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
