my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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