my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
