you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
