I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
