What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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