With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
