how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
