Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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