also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
