I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.