Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
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the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
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Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.