New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
vagina is talking i cant
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
