I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
