what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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