everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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