But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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