I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
