Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
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I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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