GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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