Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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