I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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