my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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