Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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