I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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