I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
