ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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