where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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