I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
