Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
