it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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