ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
