I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
