I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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