Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
