You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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