Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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