he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
