Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
