he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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