I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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